Through Me
by Prince-Vermin
Summary: A dark suicide fic, from Neku's point of view. He's being urged on by a voice in his head, and he's afraid of forgetting everything. Joshua/Neku drabble. Oneshot.


Over Me

**I know you're there. You're there and you're driving me crazy**. It's been… What, weeks? A month? I can't tell. Are we supposed to start _forgetting _like this? The others are forgetting more than I am. We're just friends. They don't remember _**why**_. It's like they vaguely recall that we went through an ordeal together… Nothing more. Is that your doing? That you could dare to take everything from me and then take more. My **pride**, my _pain_…My _**identity**_. You took everything from me, you smashed it to bits and then gave it back piece by piece. You built a mosaic out of what I was, _changing_ me and arranging me to meet your personal desires.

And I hated you. I still hate you, and I _don't _forgive you. But I _**trust**_ you…And I think that's why I hate you so much. But that hate is an anchor for something **else**. Something that makes me wait at Hachiko every weekend. Something that makes me want to _hear_ your condescending giggle, or catch a **glimpse **of your pale hair.

What did you do to me, you bastard?!

Why can't I stop thinking about you…? Why do I want to see you so badly? I can't forgive you… But I want to. I really, honestly want to. And that's another thing that frustrates me. How could I just… Why would I want to?

It's just one thing after another and the less that they remember, the more hopeless I feel. What do I have to do in order to find you again? If I could just see you for a moment, I'd give you a good punch to the face and then I'd grab you and never let you go. You think that you can control me from where you are but… You can't. I don't know how long I can pull of living like this, in a state of mental limbo. I don't know why you're letting me remember. I might go crazy. I might already be crazy.

Sometimes I stand in front of the mural and I wonder that. But I'm going to find you even if I have to die in order to do it. You took everything from me. And when I find you, I'm going to take it back. I won't let you leave me behind again. I'll make you hold onto me for eternity. Even if I have to become a Reaper. Even if I have to become like you- become the thing I hate. I'll do it. Because I'll go crazy without you to talk to.

Joshua. You gave me a drug and then you took it away, and I'm feeling the withdrawals like I didn't even think was possible. I'm laying here curled up in my room, shaking and trembling. And I wonder if you're even real.

_Neku-kun, you couldn't afford to lose. Don't lose now._

But what's losing? I'm not even sure what's winning or losing anymore, and that's what puts me at a standstill. I can't do anything but think of you, let you continue to tear me apart from the inside out.

_Go on. Take it. Pick it up. I chose it just for you._

It's a knife, Joshua. What do you want me to do?

_I broke the rules by killing you to be my Proxy. But if you die on your own and just happen to be welcomed into the UG as something… Special well, that's not my doing, is it?_

Stop it! You can't possibly mean what I think you mean! I'm not that crazy. What about my mom?! You can't want me to…

_Were you lying then, Neku? I thought you were willing to become anything in order to see me again._

And I can't stop myself. I'm drawing deep, red lines on my arms. And two years were just too long, and I want to get out of here and I don't care if I'm going to bleed out until I don't exist. It's what I want. I'm selling my soul to the devil and I don't care.

_That's it Neku. Bleed for me. It won't be long, now. _

It's quiet. So quiet. I know I heard your voice. I know that as my eyes begin to grow too heavy to open anymore that I'll see you instead. My heart's struggling. I barely have the strength to drag in a breath. And oh fuck- my mother's going to find me here. I can hear her, echoing somewhere far away, screaming for me and begging me to open my eyes and I'm fighting her. No, no, no… Don't take me. I'm going to wake up in the UG…!

The Scramble crossing. I don't remember how I got here. I shove my hands into my pockets and look around the place- eerily quiet now, after the last train has gone.

"Hey, Neku."

I turn on my heel and you're standing there, A thin hand raised in greeting.

"Josh." I take a few steps forward and I screw my arm back. And when I throw a punch at your pretty face, I swear that you're smiling and welcoming the blow as though I were rushing at you with open arms.

Your pretty bottom lip splits. I think it's the first time I've ever seen you bleed, and you recoil only for a moment, rubbing at the soreness.

"Well, 'hi' to you too, Proxy-kun." You're laughing, smiling. Almost giddy.

"It worked. It fucking worked." I breathe, and that one action satisfied me. The anger's drained away.

"I suppose it did…" You seem almost amused, and that scares me. I wonder if this was another experiment of yours.

"You didn't know if it would?" I ask incredulously, crossing my arms.

"You punched me." And you're laughing again. That giggle was something I'd missed more than I wanted to admit.

"Yeah. You deserved it, Jerkface." I grunted in response.

"Come on now. I've been trying to figure out a good loophole for two years now. Give me some credit." No answer. I just watch your pretty face; step closer.

"So… How would you like to spend your eternity, Neku? Start as a Reaper? Become my new Conductor, since I haven't replaced Megumi? Or maybe you want to be an Angel like CAT." You giggle at that last one.

"Which one lets me see you whenever I want?" I ask, and you're close to me now: Your hands on my shoulders, fingertips brushing over my face. I can tell that you're grateful that we exist on the same plane now.

"Well then. That's easy." Your lips are pressed to mine then, and everything went white.

I didn't know if I'd feel the change in my Soul. But I knew that I'd be with you forever. I could forgive you for anything if that was the case.


End file.
